Penance
by 2originalcents
Summary: Cartman's past is keeping him from accepting an important part of himself.


**Theoretically, this could probably be a lot longer than it is, but I just wanted to write a quick thing today.**

**I own nothing, reviews are nice, and enjoy!**

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><p>Leopold woke up, silencing their alarm and stretching on their bed. They got up and wandered to their bathroom. After using the toilet and washing their face, they stared at themselves. This had become a regular part of their morning schedule, staring at themselves.<p>

"You have a really cute nose," they said. "And the bags under your eyes make you look mysterious."

It was important for them to say something nice to themselves each morning, they found it made them happier.

Leopold kept staring, looking this way and that, smiling and frowning and smiling again, coming to a conclusion. "Marjorine today, for sure."

Having made their decision, they dressed accordingly. They put a Hello Kitty hair clip to move their bangs out of their eyes, but messed up the back for some volume. They lightly covered their eyes with baby blue eye shadow, their lips in glittery pink lip-gloss.

Back in their room, Marjorine slide open their sectioned off closet. A third was for Butters, another was for Chaos (their agender days), but this morning they rummaged through their Marjorine section. They pulled out a yellow dress with spaghetti straps and a light blue cardigan to wear on top. They strapped on white sandals and was about to run out the door when they saw their set of pins on their desk.

"Well, it should be obvious, but…" they said to themselves, grabbing a pin with the astrological symbol for women and placing it on the strap of their messenger bag.

They gave themselves one last look over in the full-length mirror before heading out to grab the school bus.

…

Cartman rolled into the student parking lot with his truck, and as he turned off the engine he saw Marjorine walking into school, animatedly talking to Bebe.

He felt anger swell in his chest, his grip on the steering wheel tightening until his knuckles turned white. Leopold came out as genderfluid a few months ago, and it was the bane of Cartman's existence. It was already bad enough that Kenny kept saying they were bigender, and Stan was a demiboy. Cartman swore that last word was hippie bullshit, but Butters was the worst. He trusted the blond to not get swept up with all this gender nonsense, but clearly they weren't on the same wavelength.

And to say their friendship suffered after Leopold came out was an understatement. Cartman refused to refer to them as anything other than Butters, and it created a real rift in their relationship. Last month, on a Marjorine day, wearing the same thing they were wearing today, in fact, Marjorine had enough of Cartman and told him to refrain from speaking to them until he learned to respect their identity. Cartman, of course, laughed in their face, shouted a few slurs for good measure, and stormed off. He waited in his truck after that, hoping to catch Marjorine with tears in their eyes, instead they came out of school with Kenny, laughing and acting like they didn't just alienate their best friend in the entire world.

Cartman shook his head, forgetting that ugly memory, and collected his things for the school day. He didn't need the blond, especially not if they were going to act a damn fool. He certainly didn't miss them.

Cartman walked into school and met up with his friends. Marjorine hung out with the girls, so that was one less thing to worry about. The day went by as usual, with Marjorine and Cartman turning their backs on each other whenever they made accidental eye contact, until the final bell rang and the hallways were deserted.

"Please leave me alone, I don't want to go out with you," Marjorine said to a senior boy that had been hounding them all week.

"Oh, come on. How are you gonna say no to me? You should be flattered that I would even ask someone like you out," he said, grinning, appraising them like they were furniture.

"Well, _you_ should be flattered that someone like me is rejecting you!"

Cartman wasn't far off at his locker, listening to the whole exchange. He smiled at Marjorine's comeback despite himself, and looked around, wondering where Marjorine's posse was to stand up for them.

"That's not how this is going to work," the senior said, grabbing Marjorine's arm. "You're going to go out with me right now."

"You're hurting me," Marjorine said, trying to pull away.

Cartman grumbled to himself. He slammed his locker and walked towards Marjorine.

"Hey! Let go of them!" Cartman said.

"Who the fuck are you? Go away," the senior said, waving Cartman away.

"I said let go of them!" Cartman repeated, slamming the senior against the lockers. That startled him enough to let go of Marjorine. They took the opportunity to close their locker and step behind Cartman.

The senior, getting his bearings, was able to easily push Cartman away.

"If Marjorine told you no, then that fucking means no," Cartman said, staring him down.

"Whatever, faggots," the senior said, walking away.

Cartman shook his head, dumbfounded. How could the senior call them that when _he_ was the one asking Marjorine out?

"Thanks, Eric," Marjorine said, gripping tight to the strap of their bag.

"Yeah, whatever," Cartman said. "That guy was just pissing me off."

Marjorine was looking down, but then they looked up at Cartman, a smile on their face.

"What is it?" Cartman asked.

"You called me Marjorine," they said, shrugging.

Cartman rolled his eyes. He did.

"Don't get use to it, do you need a ride home or whatever?" He said, trying to save face.

"Yeah! That be great!"

…

The car ride was silent, but when they're still a few blocks from home, Cartman suddenly said, "I'm starving, want to go grab something to eat?"

Marjorine shrugged. "Sure."

Cartman turned away from their block and headed towards City Wok for an afterschool meal.

…

The meal was also silent for the first half. And again, Cartman was the one to break it.

"You sure you're not just schizophrenic?" Cartman asked, lacking any sort of tack as usual.

"Excuse me?" Marjorine asked, a fork-full of city chicken halfway to their mouth.

Cartman shrugged. "It's just, come on, Marjorine? And Chaos? _And_ Butters? Isn't that overkill?"

Marjorine ate the food on their fork and looked down at their meal. It really was too much to hope that Cartman finally grew into some understanding of their identity.

"I don't have different personalities," Marjorine started, their voice soft as they picked at their food. "It's still me, Leopold. That's still the foundation. But… Sometimes, like today, I just feel more feminine, like I'm a girl. The fact that I have nicknames makes it convenient for me to express that, so I can be Marjorine today. And other days, I'm Butters, more masculine, a guy. And then there are days where I just don't feel like either, and I'm not sure what I am those days, so I'm Chaos. I'm still me, the person who orders city chicken with white rice every time I come to City Wok. The person who likes Kim Kardashian and who hates math class. It's just my presentation and name that changes, is all."

They look up at Cartman, begging for him to understand so they can be friends again.

Cartman bobbed his head, processing what was being told to him. He swallowed the bite of city beef in his mouth and asked, "How does it feel? Marjorine days, how do they feel? How do you know?"

"Well, for me, it helps a lot looking at a mirror. Every morning I stare at my reflection, and I listen to my gut when it tells me what I should be looking at that day. On Marjorine days I see make up, glitter, and dresses. Saying it out loud sounds very superficial, but it helps to ground me and my feelings."

Cartman stared at them, trying hard to comprehend what they meant.

"What about your dick? What do you do with that?"

Marjorine couldn't help but smile. It seemed like Cartman was trying to understand, he was just too blunt for his own good.

"Well I still have it. I don't know, I rarely feel dysphoric about it. Obviously it's not a problem on Butters days, or Chaos days, really. Marjorine days, usually it's fine too, unless I have a lot of Marjorine days in a row. But I tell myself that it's not like I have an acute knowledge of everyone's genitalia, you know? So who cares about mine? That's what's tricky about being genderfluid, you have to make those physical and mental compromises. But, I'm more than happy and fulfilled wearing a dress and some make up on my Marjorine days, so it's not a problem at all!"

Cartman fell silent after that, seemingly lost in thought. He didn't speak again until they were both done with their meal.

"I'm sorry, Marjorine. For the last few months," Cartman said, looking down.

"It's okay," Marjorine said, smiling.

"Can we be friends again?"

"I would love that. I don't like being upset at you, but, you know, I couldn't spend time with you before."

"I know. I understand."

…

That night, Cartman stole his mother's full-length mirror and put it in his room. He stood naked, looking this way and that at his body. He was fat, there was no other word for it, and the older he got, the less it felt like an insult. He was also tall, over six feet, so the weight distributed in interesting ways, mostly around his hips and ass. Of course his stomach protruded, and he had the making of breasts, but he found that never really bothered him, not as much as he knew it was suppose to, anyway. He also wasn't very well endowed, a fact that caused him immeasurable distress as a child, but now he couldn't find the energy to care. If anything, he was glad for it, but wasn't sure why. Again, it seemed like something he should care more about, but he didn't.

He stared at his face, which seemed harsh and cold, but that was because he was frowning. It's when he smiled and genuine happiness crossed his face that his features softened.

Cartman turned around, his arms over his head as he looked at his back. Cellulite covered his upper thighs and ass, complimented by the stretch marks he had there (he also had a healthy amount of stripes on his lower stomach and upper arms). While some of the guys were growing into their body hair, Cartman had only a fine layer, if any. In fact, it was only on closer inspection did anyone notice he had hair on his legs otherwise everyone assumed he shaved.

He turned again, resting his right hand on his hip, and he even stuck it out a little to strike a pose. Satisfied, he went to his drawer, and opened the bottom one. Underneath the extra pair of pajamas, he pulled out a thin, light pink box. He placed it on his bed and moved the pink tissue paper to reveal the lingerie inside. Slowly he slid on the silk panties, tugging at the back so it doesn't give him a wedgie. He held the sheer bra up and stared at it. He unhooked it and put it on. He looked at himself in the mirror again, this time a smile on his lips. It was with some hesitation he bought a B cup, but he pleasantly filled it up. There was barely a bulge in the panties, and he was enjoying the silhouette the lingerie was giving him.

Cartman then turned to his desk. On the bottom drawer he pulled out a large box, and opened it, make up spilling out. He also pulled out a desk mirror and began his work. He started with foundation, followed with only a wisp of blush on his cheeks. He darkened his brows, making them even sharper, and sexier he thought. He went with simple eye make up, a thin cat eye and plum eye shadow. He finished the look with a deep red lipstick.

He went back to the full-length mirrored, and this time grinned, he actually looked passable. He ran his hands through his hair, giving himself a messy look. He pouted slightly, and thought that he would look even better with long hair.

He stared at himself for a few moments longer, and then sighed, frowning again. He took off the lingerie and replaced it with boxers and t-shirt. He wiped the make up off and put the mirror back in his mother's room. He put all his things away in their proper place, the bottom drawer, away from sight.

Cartman sat on his bed, his eyes on the floor. It's not like he mind being a boy, not really. After learning to accept his extra weight, he really didn't have body issues. Hell, he wouldn't know there was anything wrong if he hadn't started these experiments. He lived his life content to be a boy, but when he dressed up, when he manipulated his appearance to pass like a girl, that's when he was truly happy. That's when he truly felt like himself.

"Shit," he muttered, the balls of his hands digging into his eyes to keep the tears from falling.

…

"Marjorine, can we talk?" Cartman asked them, his voice barely above a whisper. There was no real point for the secrecy, however. It was already after school, the hallways near empty.

"Of course!" they said, as cheerful as always.

"Not here, can we go somewhere else?"

Marjorine nodded. They closed their locker and followed Cartman out the building.

…

Marjorine was calm as thick forest surrounded them on either side. Cartman got off the road and they had been driving a few miles. Discreetly they sent Bebe a text telling her they're with Cartman, not that they felt any real threat, but better safe than sorry.

Cartman looked ahead, sniffling at times, until he reached a clearing and parked his car on the edge of it. He got out and sat in the center, his legs crossed, and head in his hands.

Marjorine looked at him, confused. They jumped out of the car and looked around as they walked towards him.

"This is quite the hiding place," they said, sitting next to Cartman. They wondered how Cartman came to this place, his driving wasn't hesitant at all, so it was obvious he knew where he was going.

"I fucking suck," Cartman said, almost like a sigh. He rubbed his forehead with his hand.

Marjorine watched him, patiently waiting to hear what he had to say before interrupting.

"I totally trapped myself and I can't undo it," he said, pulling grass from the ground as he sniffled.

"Trapped yourself? How?"

Cartman's jaw clenched and unclenched. He licked his lips and looked up at Marjorine.

"I'm transgender. Legitimately. But I can't tell anyone because of all that stupid shit I did when we were kids." He shook his head and kept pulling at the grass. "And it's like everyone is out, I can count the number of cis kids at school with one hand, and I just have to shut up because no one will believe me if I come out."

"I don't think that's true," Marjorine said.

"Yes it is... I was never mad at your or anything when you came out, I was mad at myself, and I took it out on you. I've just been mad because everyone seemed to figure it out so quickly and easily, and I've been in the closet for so long, I didn't even realize it. It's so ironic, to live somewhere where no one would care if I came out, but because of my own dumbass, I can't be out."

Marjorine was quiet, trying to think of what to say to assuage Cartman's fear.

"Well, you know, the only reason I realized I was genderfluid was because of that mishap. Realizing there was something more than the boy-girl binary gave me a better grasp of my feelings. Same goes with Stan, and Wendell, though he'll never admit it. And Kenny told me once that playing Princess Kenny helped them a lot, and that they were inspired to be Princess Kenny because of how often you would play as a girl. So, I mean, sure it was silly and it wasn't your goal, but it's because of you we all realized that are genders weren't what we thought. I think everyone will be understanding, and no one will hold you to something that happened six years ago." They reached out and grabbed Cartman's hand. "And for what it's worth, I knew you were since we were kids and tea parties would be part of our sleepover fun."

Cartman laughed, tears streaming from his eyes.

"That's really nice, but I don't know," he said.

"You should be whoever you are, Erica. How's about this, on the weekend we go to the mall and buy you a new wardrobe?"

Cartman smiled. "You know, when we were kids, I really liked it when you called me Erica, but I ignored it. I ignored a lot of things that I can't anymore… Let's go to the mall."

"All right!"

…

Cartman waited for Leopold outside their house, checking her make up every five seconds on her truck's mirror. In the safety of her room she felt beautiful in make up, but outside she felt self-conscious and was ready for the first joke to be tossed in her direction.

The front door opened and her heart sank when she saw Butters come out, a blue fleece sweater over their jeans, their face bare. She was hoping for Marjorine, to be able to go through her first day with them, but it's not like she could order Butters to be the gender she needed them to be.

"Morning," Butters chirped when they got into the truck. They quickly kissed before Butters looked Cartman up and down as they put on their seatbelt. "Wow, you look great!"

"Really?" She asked, smiling, her concern melting away.

She was wearing a pleated skirt with leggings and floral boots. Her top was a white, tight button top and flattened her stomach and emphasized her chest, a red cardigan over all of that. Her make up was simple, no eye shadow but another thin cat eye and pink lipstick. She was wearing a thin hair band and a silver necklace with a heart charm that Butters bought her during their trip to the mall.

"Really. Today is going to be a great day, I promise you," they assured her.

…

"It's about fucking time," Kenny said, a smirk on their face. They were the first to see Cartman in the parking lot, and they walked straight towards her and hugged her.

"What?" She said, startled, but she hugged back.

"I'm happy for you," they said simply, holding her at arms length.

Butters grinned at the reaction and slipped their hand into Cartman's.

"Did hell freeze over or what? Erica came out and you two started dating? God damn," Kenny said, laughing. The three walked towards the school building and Cartman squeezed Butters' hand, trying to gain courage from them.

…

For the rest of the day no one reacted quite as positively as Kenny, but no one reacted negatively either. Butters was right, no one cared and no one was fazed.

Only Wendell kept his eyes on Cartman, wondering what her angle was. As a silent sign of good faith, she didn't use the restroom at all that day, despite the fact she really needed to. She figured this would be her penance for all the grief she's given everyone, and she'll go into the girl's restroom on one of Leopold's Marjorine days so she can go in together with them.


End file.
